What do women want?

Surprisingly, women want what men want.

Respect. Opportunity. To be taken seriously. To be heard. To walk into a room without having to perform a small theatrical production just to be granted equal professional footing.

We are all human.

But when it comes to gravitas, there is a difference in how people are trained to attain it. And after decades working with thousands of leaders, I have noticed a pattern beautifully revealed in one of the simplest business rituals of all:

The handshake.

I want to consider this exercise, not for the exercise itself, but as an example of how we end up triggering difference, when actually none exists.

You see, no one thinks about it. We just do it.

In the 1980s, everyone seemed obsessed with the strength of the grip. A “firm handshake” became shorthand for confidence, competence and possibly owning a fax machine. But grip strength is not the essence of a handshake. In fact, overdo it and you are not communicating leadership. You are auditioning for a walnut-cracking competition.

The real technique is physical, balanced and deliberate:

The right foot goes forward with the right hand.
The arm moves forward like a controlled sword thrust.
The weight sits on the front foot.
The arm is long.
The eyes meet the eyes of the receiver.

Simple, yes. Accidental, no.

This tiny movement carries a number of psychological messages. It shows balance. It shows intention. It shows that you are present. It says, “I am here, I am grounded and I know how to meet you.”

And here is where things become interesting.

In my experience, the people who most often do this naturally are men.

Now, before anyone reaches for a pitchfork — or worse, writes a strongly worded comment on LinkedIn — there is a reason.

What I often see from women is different:

They tend to step forward with the left foot, or keep the feet together.
Their eyes often glance down at the hand.
The arm is frequently bent and short.
After the initial grip, they may subtly move backwards.

You see when we walk, the opposite arm and opposite leg naturally move together. So, unless someone teaches you otherwise, it feels perfectly normal to step forward with the left foot while extending the right hand. That is simply how the body wants to organise itself.

None of this is a character flaw. It is not weakness. It is not lack of confidence. It is certainly not genetic.

It is training.

The problem is that in business, this can create unintended messages and points of unintended difference..

A lack of balance can be read by the observer as uncertainty. Eyes moving away can undermine perceived trust. A short arm can create the dreaded finger-grab, which is not only awkward but occasionally a small workplace injury waiting to happen.

And, to borrow from the wonderful Julius Sumner Miller: why is it so?

Because boys are often taught these rituals early. Fathers, uncles, coaches and older men say, “Shake hands properly.” They model it. They correct it. They make it part of the informal curriculum of boys growing up.

Girls are often left out of that lesson.

And so, without meaning to, we perpetuate difference.

Even worse, many men then alter their handshake when greeting women. I often see the softer version — sometimes called the “wet fish” — offered to women instead of the normal professional handshake. It is meant to be polite, no doubt. But it sends a subtle message:

“You are different. I will treat you differently.”

And I am not sure that is taking us in a marvellous direction.

If you are a woman, learn the technique. Not because you need to become more like a man, but because you deserve access to the same business rituals that have quietly signalled authority for generations.

Walk into the room with your arm already extended so people know you intend to shake hands. Step forward with the right foot. Keep the arm long. Meet the eyes. Hold your ground.

If you are a man, notice what is happening. Use your normal professional handshake, without crushing anyone’s hand into paste. Make the forward thrust and stop it short. Equal does not mean brutal. It means consistent.

And yes, this is a lot of talk about a handshake.

But the handshake is not really the point.

The point is that women — 52 per cent of the population — have been left out of parts of informal business education. Not always deliberately. Not always maliciously. But left out, nonetheless.

So before we judge someone as lacking confidence, presence or authority, perhaps we should ask a better question:

Were they ever taught the code?

Because gravitas is not magic. It is not a personality type. It is not something handed down from the gods to a chosen few in navy suits.

It is learned.

And if it is learned, it can be taught.

That is where the real equality begins.

Let me know your thoughts.